Lois being funny 2011-2015

Recently I drove my sweet little 91 year old mother to Canada to visit a bird sanctuary. At the border we got the usual questions, and then for some reason "Do you have any rifles? Any handguns? Any guns of any kind? Any swords? Any knives?" "No, no, no, no, no." "Any weapons of any kind?" "Nooo." Just then mom said something. I turned to find her holding up both hands in fists and saying again, "weapons." We all laughed. The birds were great, and very safe while we were there. (2010)


Lois: I think I would prefer a spoonful of ice cream.
R: How about a forkful?
Lois: Fork it over. (2011)


Nurse: Can I take your blood pressure?
Lois: Will you give it back?


R: I am going to take a shower.
Lois: Where are you going to take it?


R: Thank you for your patience.
Lois: (pauses, gives a quizzical look, touches chest.) I still have it.


[Driving by a yard sale sign]
Lois: Where is the yard sale?
R: I d'know.
Lois: I would like to see the yard for sale. (4/2012)


R: Would you like a puzzle?
Lois: That's puzzling. (2/2012)


R: Do you want to walk some more, or do you want to head back to the car?
Lois: I want to foot back to the car.
R: What? (7/2012)


In the car:
R: I guess we will head home.
Lois: I am just going to sit here.


R: Do you want to have that banana?
Lois: [holding a piece of banana] This is not a half. [have~halve] (10/2012)


Dentist: I'm going to bring the chair back.
Lois: I didn't realize you had taken it somewhere. (6/2012)


R: Are you bored?
Lois: (Patting herself.) I don't feel any holes. (11/2012)


R: What about this evening? [wha-ta-bout de-seve-ning?]
Lois: It's deceiving. (12/2012)


Nurse wanting to take blood pressure:
Can you give me an arm?
Mom:
Will you give it back?
Nurse:
I guess so. I still have some of my own. (5/2013)


Most anyone: How are you?
Lois: One day older and deeper in debt. [From a song popularized by Tennessee Ernie Ford. If the questioner shows interest, Lois often continued] St. Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go, I owe my soul to the company store.
Alternatives Lois used on occasion:
One day older and haven't quit yet.
One day older and going strong yet.


R: Try "One day older and going strong yet. You've paid your dues and you're alllllll set."
Lois: "Paid my dos and I'm out of don'ts." (8/2013)


R: What would you like us to do for your birthday?
Lois: Forget about it.


Dental Assistant, placing films for X-ray of teeth in X-ray room: There you go.
Lois: No, here I sit. [doesn't register]
Dental Assistant: Have a seat here. (Mom sits in dental exam chair.) There you go.
Lois: (This time gesturing with finger) Here I sit. (4/2014)


R: looking at dramatic image in magazine with mom when dental assistant walks in:
That is a monkey.
Mom to Dental assistant: Did you hear what he called you? (4/2014)


Dental assistant: Open up for me.
Lois: OK, but only for you. (4/2014)


Dentist: Can you put your head back for me?
Lois: Why should I do it for you? (4/2014)


R: We'll take off in a minute or two.
Lois: What are we going to take off?
R: ....
Lois: I am just putting you on. (10/2014)


R: It's nice out. You don't have to button up.
Lois: I'm not. These aren't buttons. I'm snapping up.
   (pause) Don't you wish I were snappier? (2/2015)


(Tweezering hairs off Lois's chin)
R: Do you feel plucked?
Lois: Do you feel plucky? (2/2015)


R: The front door's locked.
Lois: Slocked ['s locked]? I'll slock the back door. (2/2015)


R: What do you like to put in tuna fish salad?
Lois: My teeth (making a face and chomping). (2/2015)


R: I changed my mind.
Lois: What mind do you have in now? (2/2015)


[To Lois tugging at a hot compress on her eyes]
R: Leave it on a bit longer please. You seem to have lost your patience somewhere today.
Lois: All I have left is 'm.'
R: What?
Lois: Im-patience. (3/2015)


R: We are out of stuff.
Lois: [Holding up a half-eaten breakfast cookie] I'm still stuffing. (4/2015)


R: There is a squirrel. There is another squirrel.
Lois: It is a squirrelly place. (4/2015)


(At a restaurant after eating)
R: You can take some food home with you.
Lois (patting her stomach): I am taking some food home with me. (11/2015)

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