Lois Being Funny 2015-2016

Physical Therapist: Do you have any pain?
Lois: I'm sorry, I'm all out. (8/2015)

R: An occupational therapist is coming this morning.
Lois: I'm not occupied. (8/2015)

R: Are you warm enough? How about a vest?
Lois: If you want me to put a vest on, [pauses], OK, I'll invest. (5/2105)

R: Grab your mug for me.
Lois: [Pretending to peel off her face to hand over] Here it is. (5/2015)

[Massage therapist comes]
Lois: What is she going to do?
R: She is going to make you feel better.
Lois: [Feeling her hand with her fingers] I can already feel pretty well. (4/2015)

R: Go ahead and push the button to recline.
Lois: What if I am inclined to decline to recline? Will you be benign?
R: Hmmm. I won't be eight. (3/2015)

R: Lean back please.
Lois: I only have fat back. (2015)

R: That is not going to work.
Lois: Is it going to play? (2015)

R: Look, a big spider!
Lois: You spied her! (2015)

R: [Walking out of his room pulling on a shirt] We'll take off after you go to the bathroom.
Lois: You are putting on. (2015)

R: Would you like some more chips?
Lois: [Tapping her plate] Chip in. (2015)

Doctor: I am afraid you have had a stroke.
Lois: That is not a stroke of luck. (2015)

[Looking at the bay]
R: I don't see any whitecaps today.
Lois: Lots of waves. They are waving to us (2015)

R: Have a nice trip on the bus.
Lois: Strip? [ni-cetrip] (2015)

[Looking at an Eden Home Care employee's ID badge]
Lois: Are you a gardener? (2015)

Medical person: [Holds an oxygen monitor to put on a finger] Can I have a finger?
Lois: But I need all my fingers. (2015)

Lois: What is that?
R: Medicine. It's for your heart.
Lois: Hearty thanks. (2016)

Therapist: Do you have any pains today?
Lois: You are the first! (2016)

Nurse: Can I see your arm?
Lois: I don't think so. It's covered by this sweatshirt. (2016)

Therapist: OK, let's move back to your seat now.
Lois: [Looking in back of her] There is no seat to back up to. (2016)

R: Here's a pill.
Lois: A pill from a pill for a pill? (2016)

R: What kind of dessert would you like?
Lois: My just desserts. (2016)

R: Oh darn darn darn!
Lois: Oh sew sew sew! (2016)

R: No, no, don't chew those pills.
Lois: [Pondering] Don't chew [you] give them to me any more. (2016)

L: You can hear me, right?
Lois: I can hear you wrong! (2016)

R: Swallow these pills, don't chew them.
Lois: Don't chew [you] tell me what to do. (2016)

R: Thank you for having a good appetite.
Lois: Thank you for feeding my appetite. (2016)

Therapist: Do you have any pains today?
Lois: [Points at son] Just one. (2016)

[Exercising Lois]
Therapist: Try to pick up your feet.
Lois: [Stops and reaches down to try to pick up a foot] (2016)

R: Where is your walker?
Lois: [Looks around, then points to legs] Right here. (2016)

R: How did you sleep last night?
Lois: With my eyes closed. (2016)

R: How did you sleep last night?
Lois: [Thinks, then starts snoring.] (2016)

Lois: [Not long after getting up] What do you want me to do?
R: Umm, enjoy your retirement.
Lois: I just got up; I am no longer retired. (2016)

[Near bedtime]
R: Are you enjoying your retirement?
Lois: [Pause] I will soon be retired. (2016)

R: [Adjusting curtains and blinds] Is it OK for the sun to come in?
Lois: I think the sun should stay up there [points up toward the sky]. (2016)

Lois: Sorry I act like an old woman.
R: Keep on acting, mom, keep on doing good. Uh oh, bad grammar. Would you rather be doing good or doing well?
Lois: Both! (2016)

R: Would you like some frozen dessert or a cookie?
Lois: One spoonful of frozen dessert and one cookie. (2016)

R: I have some shorts for you. Would you like to change into shorts to be cooler?
Lois: [Shakes her head no, then pauses] I do not long for shorts. (2016)

R: Stand here and have some snack [pointing to snack bowl on counter].
Lois: You want me to stand here?? [Points to a spot on the counter top.] (2016)

Lois: What now?
R: We hurry up and wait.
Lois: Hurry up where? I am going to sit down and wait. (2016)

R: I am not sure where this goes. Are you up for an adventure?
Lois: I am down. I am sitting down for an adventure. (2016)

R: Your grandson is here from back East.
Lois: Did you fly?
Grandson: Yes.
Lois: Let me see your wings. (2016)

Doctor: How are you feeling?
Lois: With my fingers. (2016)

Nurse: The doctor will be in shortly.
Lois: Does anyone ever come here longly? (2016)

Lois: Ooo, cold fingers.
R: Sorry, I was looking at this little sore on your back.
Lois: You mean 'sore-y'. (2016)

R: Go ahead and drink up.
Lois: Mind if I drink down? (2016)

R: Do you want to find the cereal for me?
Lois: Is it lost? (2016)